Coming Home
by DesiraeSCLT11
Summary: A drunken Emily tells Nikolas how hard it has been with his memory gone.


**_Title: Coming Home  
  
Author: Desirae  
  
Email:   
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary :A drunken Emily let's Nikolas know how hard things have been because of his memory loss.  
  
Disclaimer: _**The characters depicted are the property of ABC-TV and ABC Daytime. No infringement is intended; no profit is made.

He spotted her immediately. She wore a lavender dress with spaghetti straps that cut off at the knees. He long brown hair was curled, softly framing her face. She looked like an angel. A slightly inebriated angel if he wasn't mistaken. As if to prove his point, Nikolas watched as Emily partook of a green colored tube shot that the passing waitress had offered her.

Nikolas couldn't remember "The Pulse", but according to Lucky it was a night club that they, he, Lucky and Emily, had occasionally gone to, instead of the usual haunts in Port Charles where you were always bound to run into someone you knew.

Nikolas had been trying to be open to forging a relationship with his brother. His brother, who was in fact supposed to meet him here within the hour. "Just to hang out", Lucky had said "No pressure." But seeing Emily made him wonder if this was a set up.

As he watched Emily down another shot, Nikolas tossed the set up idea aside. She didn't appear to be looking for him. No, it seemed like the only thing she was looking for was to get drunk as fast as possible.

As the D.J. switched to "Turn me on" by Kevin Little, Nikolas watched a man about his age approach Emily. She smiled and laughed at something the blonde said to her and Nikolas had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He scowled at them from his view at the bar. 'What was she doing talking to some stranger like that? He could be a convict for all she knew! Not that it was any of his business.' He reasoned with himself. 'Except for the fact that she is your fiancé!' A small voice inside him whispered as he watched Emily accept the hand of the young blonde man.

"_Let me hold you  
Girl caress my body  
  
You got me going crazy  
You turn me on  
Turn me on"_

Nikolas clenched his jaw as he watched Emily dance extremely close with the stranger.

Screw this. He may not remember their life together, but he sure as hell wasn't about to let Emily get taken advantage of by some punk in a bar.

Emily danced in a cloudy haze. Will, Bill, whatever his name was, was a pretty good dancer. It was nice, feeling nothing. The three kamikaze shots and two vodka tonics she had took care of that. She wasn't going to think of anything tonight. Not her family, not school, and certainly not Nikolas. Her Prince. Her Pirate Prince who didn't know her anymore. Emily shook her head. This was her night, she reminded herself. She looked at Will/Bill and smiled as the music switched to "Let's get it Started" by the Black-Eyed Peas. She relaxed and just let herself feel the music. That is until she felt a hand tug on her arm. She turned and almost laughed out loud at the irony. There he stood. She looked at her Pirate Prince in his jeans and black tank. Very un-Cassidine attire. This time she couldn't hold back the laugh.

Bill or Will spoke up. "Hey man, what's the deal? Find your own girl!"

"Back off, " Nikolas said, not even looking at him, his eyes focused solely on Emily. "She's my fiancé. Did you miss the ring? I don't know how you could. I suggest you find your own girl."

The guy held up his hands in defense. "Whoa guy, I didn't know, she didn't say anything." He gave Emily one last appreciative look before getting lost in the crowd.

The two of them stood on the dance floor amidst the loud noise, neither saying anything for a minute.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?!" He suddenly shouted just as she said "Who the hell do you think you are?!"

"Emily, you are completely shattered! Were you planning on leaving with that guy?"

Emily closed her eyes as she swayed slightly and Nikolas reached out to steady her. "It was just a dance Nikolas. And what do you care anyway?" She said it with such sadness, with such utter and complete defeat that it pierced his heart.

"Emily." He whispered.

"Just forget it." She said as she pushed past him to her table. She grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Nikolas was following behind, and as she opened the door, Lucky came in. He noted the tears on Emily's face and looked at Nikolas. He started to speak, but Emily cut him off. "Not now Lucky."

"What did you say to her now?" Lucky asked angrily, but Nikolas just said "Not now Lucky," and raced out the door after Emily.

"Emily. Emily!" He called after her as she walked down the sidewalk. She stopped, throwing her hands up in the air and turned. "What? What do you want?"

He caught up with her. "You are in no condition to drive."

"I took a cab." She had planned it that way. Planned to get blindingly drunk and forget about the man who stood before her.

"Let me drive you home."

"No."

"Come on Emily, just let me-"

"No!" she yelled. "Don't you get it? I wasn't supposed to think about you tonight! This was my one night not think of you!" She laughed hysterically. So hard she had to grab his arm for support. "Like I'm ever not thinking of you."

Nikolas took in the sight of the woman before him. This young woman who stood on the sidewalk with tears on her face, eyes wild, laughing the bitterest laughter. He had done this to her. He knew that, and he hated himself for it.

"Do you think this is easy for me?" He asked vehemently. "Do you think I like knowing that I have done this to you? Do you think I like not being able to remember who I was or what we were to each other? No matter what you may believe Emily, this is hard on me too."

Emily just shook her head and started walking to the park up the street. Nikolas followed in silence as she entered and sat on a bench. He sat next to her, soundlessly.

"Hard?" her whisper broke the silence. "You want to know what's hard? It's being told that the love of your life is dead. It's forcing yourself to get out of bed when all you want to do is die because he's not with you. It's having your fiancé come back from the dead and watching him live out your dream with another woman! It's looking him in the eyes and having him not have a God damn clue who you are!" She couldn't look at Nikolas as she spoke. It was too hard. She just stared ahead as silent tears made their way down her face. "It's knowing that every time I look at you, you feel nothing, while I am overwhelmed with love. It's having to face that you may never remember us making love in a shower of rose petals by the fire. You may never remember getting me through cancer, or coming back to me after I thought you had died in the hotel fire. You may never remember us almost dying together on the freighter. But I will. Everyday I remember. I remember how you used to look at me like I was the only thing in this world that mattered to you. How you used to tell me everyday how much you loved me. How we said our vows in that church..." She couldn't go on. They sat in silence.

"That's hard." She finally whispered. This time when Emily got up to find a cab, Nikolas didn't stop her.

Nikolas kept replaying the scene in the park his whole ride home. He had watched from the bench as she hailed down a cab, not leaving till he knew she was safe and headed home. He felt haunted. It was obvious that they had been through a lot together. Emily had no idea how much he wanted to remember. Couldn't she see that is why he pushed her away? It killed him to see that hopeful look on her face, only to have it come crashing down when the memories wouldn't spark. It made him feel like a failure to everyone. They all had these expectations. What if he never regained his memory? Would Emily still love Nikolas as he was now, or would she forever be holding out for the way he used to be? And was it really fair to make her be with him, make her live with all the memories that he couldn't share with her? Sometimes he felt he was so close to remembering. Tail ends of dreams that vanished like smoke in the morning light. He didn't want to give up. But how long could he expect Emily to keep hanging on? God he was exhausted.

Nikolas slept fitfully that night. His mind was plagued with images and voices_. "And you fought your way back."_

"_Only by following your fire."_

In Emily's bedroom_, "You're inside of me Nikolas. Awake, asleep, no matter who I'm with or what I do, part of me is with you."_

Outside of Kelly's, _"I broke my engagement to Lydia tonight."_

He saw his Emily, his beautiful Emily, in a costume, looking at him with luminous eyes.

"_They say you can't miss what you never had, but I don't really believe that that's true. I missed love my whole life, until I had it with you. I feel, it would have been worse, if I'd have had love and then lost it. No matter how bad I want you right now, I want a future with you a whole lot more."_

"_Can't tonight be the beginning of our future?"_

On the freighter, _"I Think like, like I love you. I love you. And, and it's the point of everything. Like it's the reason why I was born. And if, and if the bomb explodes and, and we die, I will die with you and, and that comforts me. And that's insane. That's insane."_

"_No Nikolas. It's in love. It's in love."_

He woke up with a start, breathing harshly. "Oh Emily." He whispered to himself. Nikolas began to sob, uncontrollably for all the wasted time. For what he had put Emily through. She was so strong. God she was strong, to hold on this long. After the way he had treated her, after the way she must have felt, seeing him with Mary.

Mary. Any sympathy he had felt for her was washed away by the onslaught of memories of his life with Emily. He could only hope she still wanted a life with him.

Oh. My. God. Emily could not remember the last time she had been this hung over. She didn't think she could move. In fact, she was quite sure that if she did, she would die. At least she had had the common sense to down a glass of water and take some Tylenol before she stumbled to bed last night, a crying, drunken mess. Her stomach was okay, but her head. Oh her head felt as though it was home to the entire orchestra for "Phantom of the Opera."

Well, she had two choices. She could get up, go out and get some fresh air and coffee at Kelly's, or she could lay here in bed and think about alternative ways to decapitate herself to get rid of the headache. She chose option one, and took a shower, then threw on a pair of jeans and a white tank top.

God, I hope I don't see Nikolas today.

She looked exhausted and pale when he saw her sitting at the table outside of Kelly's. But she was still the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. 'What am I gonna say to her?' How can I explain. How do I go from not remembering anything, to 'Hey Baby, I'm back to normal, hope you understand and forgive me.'

Emily was so lost in thought that she didn't notice Nikolas until he sat down across from her. She looked up from her coffee, startled. She gave a nervous laugh. "Hey Nikolas."

"Hey Emily." He said quietly.

'What do I say?' she thought to herself. 'How could I have gone off like that?' The last thing Emily wanted to do was push Nikolas further away. Maybe she could just pretend to not remember the night before. No. Emily knew she was a terrible liar, and he would see right through that.

"I'm so sorry Nikolas! I didn't mean to go off like that last night. I had a lot to drink and-"

"It's okay." He said softly. He was still trying to work out what he was going to say to her.

"No. No, it's not okay," she rushed on "I was really unfair last night. Of course it's hard for you too. It's not your fault that you can't remember, anymore than it's my fault that I can. It's just.....it isn't easy, being hopeful and optimistic all the time. I just needed a night where I could forget. Where I wouldn't feel the pain. I love you Nikolas. With everything I am, mind, body, soul.. I don't say that to pressure you, or make you feel guilty. It just is what it is. I can't give up. I won't. But I will give you your space." Emily smiled at him and he smiled back. For a moment there, she would swear she saw love reflecting back at her. She reached out a hand and gently caressed his cheek. He closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Emily withdrew her hand and got up without a word as she headed down by the docks. She heard his footsteps behind her, but didn't turn.

"_I close my eyes before battle to see the green hills of peace for those hills show me light, not the grim fields of war. In my mind, I can live there forever. In my place of peace, I am renewed with courage."_

Nikolas quoted quietly behind her as she stared at the water. Her breath hitched and she closed her eyes. She felt him wrap his arms around her from behind and she whispered "The Captain of my Dreams." She began to cry, great wracking sobs that had her sinking to her knees, with Nikolas still holding her.

"Shhh." He whispered in her ear. "It's alright. It's alright. God Emily. My God I am so sorry." Nikolas started to cry as well, as he rocked his love back and forth for comfort. "I love you baby. I love you so much. Please forgive me." He turned her towards him, kissing the tears off her cheeks. 'Please forgive me. I'm so sorry."

"When?" She whispered, eyes still closed. As she opened her eyes, she looked up, only to be lost in his. And she finally saw it. The naked love shining in Nikolas's eyes. She had waited so long to see that look again.

"Last night." He said, caressing her face. He kept touching her. He couldn't stop. It was as if he was afraid that if he did, his new found memories would slip away again. "In dreams, they came in flashes of our life together. I remember everything Em, everything."

Emily laughed as she reached up to cup his face. The first real laugh of happiness that she had had in a long time. "Is this real? Am I dreaming? I have dreamt of this so many times. "

"Please tell me you can forgive me, for everything I have put you through.."

"There is nothing to forgive." The words were barely past her lips before he claimed her mouth with his. It was the sweetest kiss either had ever known. Nikolas nipped at her lips, parting them with his tongue, and he sighed in her mouth. That taste. He knew that taste. His Emily. It was like coming home. "I'm home, Emily," he said against her lips, "I'm finally home."

The Endï

_u."_


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